The Jake and Vienna interview on "The Bachelorette" dominates the show and makes the audience want to vomit.
However, before we get to those shenanigans we have an actual "Bachelorette" episode! We kick things off in Portugal where we find out there are four dates for the five guys and that there are no roses to hand out on the dates, so they'll all make it to the rose ceremony.
Roberto's Date
Ali and Roberto take turns taking silly pictures of each other in downtown Lisbon -- Ali is a better photographer than Roberto is. They walk down a street and hear music and start dancing right there because Roberrrrrrto is such a rrrrrrrrrromantic.
After the dancing in the street, they have a castle picnic and talk about Roberto's family. Roberto also says uber-sweet things to Ali and they kiss as the sun sets. Woo woo.
Two-on-one Date
Or as my boyfriend likes to call it -- "the finger-cuffs date." Snerk. Ty and Frank are the two fellas. The three of them take a helicopter ride to a castle and it's probably the most awkward two-on-one date I have ever seen on this show. It's like Ty and Frank don't even know what to do with themselves.
Dinner is like *crickets.* Ty gets alone time, but frankly it's pretty boring. I just don't see an Ali-Ty spark. Frank's alone time is boring at first, but then Frank decides it is time to admit he lives with his parents and you can tell he's embarrassed and worried about what Ali will think. Awww. She's totally cool with it, though, and really puts him at ease with a big kiss.
Kirk's Date
Things kick off with a dinner but then we get -- shocker -- another castle. I get that in European countries that's a big part of the landscape, but c'mon show. Three castles? They watch the sunset (again) and talk about hometown visits (again). Seriously, this episode is so boring, gang!
Ali is really preoccupied this week, but she clears the fog around her head in time for a nice nighttime dinner on the castle rooftop, which is gorgeous! They get pretty serious, talking about his illness and his past relationships and he knocks it out of the park reassuring Ali of his feelings for her. Well done, Kirk.
Chris' Date
Ali is worried that she only digs Chris as a friend (noooo!) so she wants to ramp up their relationship to the next level on their date. They go scooting on a moped and it's hilarious. Seriously bad. Like Keystone Kops go scooting. So funny. And Chris jokes about not wiping out because he doesn't want to be "the dude who killed the Bachelorette." He has a great sense of humor.
Ali takes over the moped and she's a fearless badass, naturally. When they stop to have a picnic, Ali wants to hear about Chris' mom and he gets all choked up talking about her. When they go to a winery, Chris gives Ali a Dennis bracelet, which his dad made for him to give to Ali. And then they share some pretty heavy smooches. Yay.
Rose Ceremony
Are we at the RC already? OMG, is the Jake-Vienna thing going to be 45 freakin' MINUTES! Noooooooo! No more of them! Bah.
I predict Ty goes home, but I am fearful for Chris as well. I think only Frank and Roberto are 100% safe and I think Kirk is safer than Ty or Chris.
The roses go to Chris (WOO!), Frank, Roberto and ... Kirk. Yeah, that seems about right. This also seems like the first actually hard elimination. The rainstorm makes it extra emotional and romantic. You know, I really liked all Top 5 guys and I can't think of a single season thus far when I've been able to say that, "Bachelor" or "Bachelorette."
Jake & Vienna smackdown
So Jake and Vienna broke up (SHOCKER) and it has been splashed all over the tabloids and the internet, so they are here to talk to Chris Harrison about it. Oh goodie.
Jake gets to tell his side of the story first, which makes it seem even more Springer-esque. Jake says that the break-up came out of nowhere while he was out of town. Then Vienna comes out and says that everything changed a month after they started dating. Jake wasn't around, emotional abuse, blahblahblah angercakes.
It then gets pretty gross with Jake being condescending about text messages and Vienna calling Jake a "fame whore" and publicists and acting careers and mooching. It's gross. It's SO gross. I don't care about this at all -- they can both take a flying leap as far as I'm concerned.
Vienna asks for a "polyagraph" test at one point and "Greek" actor Gregory Michael's name is bleeped out and it's just ... ugh. Chris Harrison gets in on it and he speaks to Vienna in that subtly misogynistic way that he deals with women on this show a lot.
Chris then asks them what they originally loved about each other and when Jake says Vienna "challenged him," I actually snort a little wine up my nose from laughing so hard. Sigh. They then argue about their past break-ups and Vienna's lack of work opportunities and "Dancing With the Stars" pressure and blahblahblah tearscakes.
The things they are arguing about is just so beyond ridiculous. Can this interview please be it? Can it be the last we see or hear of these two nitwits? Please?
Interestingly, Vienna does apologize for the way she went about things and when she interrupts Jake, he shows a flash of a temper that is perhaps the most real thing that happens the entire time. I mean, did anybody else get just a glimpse of perhaps a crack in the Jake exterior right there? A slipping of the mask? I don't know.
Vienna then cries harder and storms off and the camera goes all "Blair Witch" on us. The screen fades to black as we hear her sob, so I'm back to rolling my eyes. Meanwhile, the way Jake is like "and here she goes again" is so smarmy it makes me want to smack him.
Chris wraps up the interview with Jake, who says this is the first relationship in which he has ever raised his voice. Hmmm. I will say that I never thought Vienna and Jake were a good match AT ALL and that this was not a surprise and I hope now that they've had their 15 30 60 minutes of fame, they will go away.
Next week! Hometown visits! Kirk's dad comes across like he should be on a show hosted by Chris Hansen (not Chris Harrison), Roberto shows off his baseball uniform, Chris and Ali look to be really connecting and Frank takes Ali on a Chicago river booze cruise that I think I went on during law school! Haha.
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