Fantasize for a fantastic sex life

Is-he thinking-of-someone-else or he-doesn't-find-me-sexually-attractive-anymore kind of thoughts cloud your mind instantly. Mostly women are able to sense this sudden change in their spouse's body language while in the act. For them, it is an excruciatingly frustrating experience which leads them to see sexologists, make amends to their lifestyle, and read up on how to be desirable again.

But what exactly triggers sexual fantasies while having sex? Does it spell doom for a relationship? Is dissatisfaction a plausible reason or another myth? Here are some interesting finding...

Craving for raw sex

'As dirty as can get' maybe the way your guy wants it, but is apprehensive to spell it out to you. He wants basic sex similar to that in porn flicks and thinks he would put a dampener by even suggesting the idea. Your partner may harbour fantasies about having steamy romp while doing the physical act with you. Says Dr. S.K Sharma, clinical psychologist and lifestyle advisor, "For some it is to add thrill, while for others it adds novelty value." Though he feels that lack of fulfillment in a relationship or partner's attractiveness may play a role, but mostly it is a person's own desire to feel stimulated.

Fantasizing about celebs

"I have often fantasized about having sex with Marilyn Monroe and Pamela Anderson," reveals Prateek (name changed), a banker. But he maintains that such thoughts are only restricted to masturbation, and not while making out with his girlfriend. Agrees Dr. Sharma, "It is but natural for some to fantasize about celebrities, though there are others who fantasize about someone known." Scantily clad models or the girl from the last porn movie could be on his mind while making love to you; it excites him to perform better and feel fully aroused. "If taken in a positive sense it can enhance your sex life and the relationship as well. In fact, it is a safe way of sexual release and even emotional satisfaction," he adds.

Foreplay and a big orgasm

Foreplay may not top the chart of many. It is possible that your partner is too tired for foreplay and just wants an orgasm before retiring for the day. This happens to couples with kids or the ones running a very stressful routine at work. In such a scenario, the more active sex partner finds a vent to his suppressed desires by way of fantasies. Lust for a bigger orgasm also drives one to indulge in sexual fantasies. Believes Dr. Rajendra Barve, psychologist, "A person resorts to fantasies when he is trying to satisfy his partner, and the partner is not sufficiently enthused. This can bring about a disconnect in their most intimate moment. However, there is no harm in fantasizing about people at random. Only when the fantasies revolve around a certain, known person is there a reason to worry."

Dr. Barve shares with us a very curious case he'd handled many years back. It was about a married lady who suspected something amiss in her sexual companionship with her husband. "And one day he cried out a name while having sex with her. It turned out to be the name of her sister, and as fate would have it her husband was having a secret liaison with the sister-in-law," says he.

Experimentation, a 'no-no'!

Often when couples have been together for a longish period, they get used to each other's sexual needs and habits. And 'experimentation' becomes a dreaded word. They follow a routine without even sparing a thought towards a revamped sex life. Some think the easiest way out is to succumb to sexual fantasies while engaged in a physical act with their partners. But Dr. Madhumati Singh, senior psychologist, thinks fantasizing is the sign of a healthy, creative mind. "A lot of them fantasize about having sex with a virgin. It is apparently a great turn on. A lot of happy couples find bliss in fantasizing," she shares. So much so, she even feels that harbouring thoughts of another person while having sex doesn't in any way strain a relationship. She is, however, quick to add, "Thoughts take you where horses can't fly, but after that it is again back to the real world."

Lingerie love

A woman's way of dressing up plays a huge role in giving men an arousal. No matter how traditional his outlook, he'd want his partner to look hot and sexy in bed. Tease him by donning sensual reveal-all, black lace lingerie, and he will not be able to keep his hands off you. It is a truly erotic, and of course, pragmatic way of getting your man's attention and not letting it waver! But there are few who take this obsession for a sexy-looking partner to a new level. Explains Dr. Barve, "I once heard from a married couple who were not able to sexually satisfy each other. Her husband was completely taken in by yesteryear dancing queen, Helen, and wanted a piece of her in his wife. He even went to the extent of dressing her up in feathery, revealing outfits before seducing her to bed. Unfortunately, such an arrangement didn't work for very long, and the wife eventually got tired of the role play."

Tips for steamy sex

If Brad Pitt is asked to take the 9.55 am local every day, attend back to back meetings, skip lunch owing to work pressure and run errands in the monsoon, there's all likelihood of his six-pack metamorphosing into a sluggish guy-next-door physique.

Each one of us may be a sex God at heart, but very often, looks (we feel) play spoilsport and even before the tricks are out, the (partner's) mood goes for a toss. High time you take charge and get the oomph score running with these simple tricks.

Dress to undress

The rule of thumb says, 'The better dressed you are, the easier it is to have your woman undress you.' To be the alpha male in bed, dress like one out of it. Think about it. If the competition is between a suave sharply dressed, suited man and a dullard who wears an ill-fitted T-shirt and baggy jeans, who do you think will win? Labour (hard) on your fashion quotient and you wouldn't need to work on the buttons. She will be more than happy to oblige. And that 'polished' image will linger on even after you have undressed.

The light matters

There's a reason why photographers say 'You look beautiful when the light is right'. The wrong light can make a to-die-for six-pack look positively ghastly, so make sure you use it well. The power-saver white neon bulbs are great. Really. They help conserve energy and we highly respect your 'Go Green' attitude. But sadly, they don't do much to flatter that naked look. For once, switch to gentler yellow lights. Putting them up under lampshades will soften their glow and the flattering light will turn on the heat on your so-so physique.

Body language

When you are gearing up for some action, the last thing you want is a spineless partner crawling around with a disinterested, fallen look on his/ her face. Stand straight, throw back your shoulders and walk like you mean business. Nothing is as strong a turn-on as confidence. Also, the slouched look only accentuates your flat tyres. The correct posture can go a long way to camouflage the series of fat faux pas that are sometimes inevitable. So do yourself a favour and compensate the lack of physical finesse with a dash of attitude.

Aroma therapy

Research claims that a man's sweat is the most potent turn-on for a woman. While one wouldn't want to discount that learning, such studies do not exactly hold true in the bedroom. A sweaty stinking you can never be a turn on, no matter what the chemicals say. The Diors and Diesels can give you a hand, but it's no hard and fast rule. Just make sure you have a shower before you try to get intimate with your partner. A man who smells good, feels good!

Boxers & bras

Ask the marketing guys, and they'll tell you how crucial packaging is. Point being, do NOT take the easy way out. Make your innerwear work. This is one department where you can have the maximum fun. Get those jock straps out and experiment with cuts and colours. If you are experimental, thongs aren't that bad an idea (provided you can carry them off). If not, there are boxers — Simpsons, Batman, Popeye, you name it. Knowing what exactly your girl likes helps a great deal. Women have it a lot easier. Knowing the sheer variety of lace and nets out there, there's enough for every occasion.

Groom for it

A clean groomed look is far more presentable vis-à-vis the hairy disaster men often come with. Yes, some women like their men with hair, but that cannot justify the Amazon on your body. Get bullish in the grooming department and put that trimmer to good use. You are bound to get good dividends after dropping the shirt.

And for your facial hair, either opt for a complete shave, or a two-day stubble at the most. The prickly evening shadow stubble can spell disaster for her skin. Get a flattering haircut to ensure you don't look sloppy. After all, women (unlike men) like to work their way from the top.

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Family Watch Dog

Whether you live in Alaska, Florida, Family Watchdog site to help you stay track of sex offenders in your district. Each state has its own list of sex offender registries, but the family shows that you can get immediate notification to your e-mail will keep you informed about the predators that move within their own territory. Family Watchdog site has a convenient way for your children safe in this unsafe period.